ID please?

 

Identity - Definition; the distinguishing character or personality of an individual. 

     

       Who are you? No really... Who are you? When you introduce yourself to someone how is it worded? "Hi I'm Rachel, Grace and Gabriel's mom" is usually my answer since my children have become far more popular than I am at this point. Or "hi I'm _____  the secretary at church" " I'm DR. ____" "Im _____ friend of Tim Tebow (hey! It's all in who you know! Right?) "hi I'm _____, _____ wife" You get what I'm saying? So many people walk around not truly knowing who they are! Oh sure they know what they like, in clothes and movies and music, but they honestly have no clue of their God given identity. What makes them them. Not by what they do, or which church they belong to or if they root for the tigers or the gamecocks! If all of your "badges" were taken away, what would be left? Would you feel completely insecure? Like you were standing naked? If so you might want to recheck some things. Something I've learned as of late, is "who I am". You see for many years "who I am" was stripped from me. It was a slow fade. In fact I didn't even realize it until I stepped away and found I was not who I was before. It's taken most of this last year to build back who I am. To rediscover how He sees me. How blessed am I that God promised He will rebuild better and stronger than before! I now see clearly those who walk around with no idea who they are. (If you ever said that to them they would of course get defensive so I advise against that.) However, you can and should pray for them! Pray that God shows them who they are IN HIM. Even if that means taking down their badges to show their true selves. God needs people who are strong in who He made them to be. Not ones who see their identity and purpose in their title or association. 

I've just been seeing that a lot recently and thought I'd throw it out there. Be encouraged to seek who you are in Him. Not in anything else, because as we  know it can (and will) be gone in a blink. 

What it takes to stay....

Have you ever really listened to these words? Have you ever prayed them?

It is my desperate plea today... and every day to be honest...

 

"Stay"

Big Daddy Weave

I’ve seen the flash of lightning
I’ve heard the rolling thunder
I’ve seen the crashing of the waves
And though I’ve known Your Presence
and been filled with wonder
Still there are many things that pull me away
Don’t let me go, hold me close because

I don’t want to hurt You anymore
I don’t want to waste another day
‘Cause it breaks Your heart, it breaks Your heart
When I keep walking away

You know what it means to sacrifice
But You tell me that it’s better to obey
You’ve giving me a thousand brand new starts
Jesus, give me what it takes to stay

I’ve seen Your hand of mercy through my darkest failures
And on the other side You’ve covered me with grace
And like a child lost and afraid, You come and find this runaway
And in Your loving arms You bring me home again
But what’s it gonna take to make me stay

Break my heart with what breaks Yours
Until You’re all I’m living for
Show me what it means not just to believe but to remain

 

 

Time is OUR issue...

Why do I ever worry? Or doubt? Or fret? I leave my thoughts to stray and they never ever stray down positive paths... It's always negative paths...

Today was a bit of a downer day. I do have days where I feel the intense loss of my placement ( peanuts adoption ). It sometimes hits me out of the blue so hard I can barely breathe. The weight in my chest, the feeling of complete loss, squeezes my heart. It usually causes me to stop short and have to take a deep breath. I usually promise myself ill deal with that emotion later. I'm good at "saving" it for a better moment. I follow the basics of grief which are to accept it, feel it and then move on. Today I was feeling anxious and I was questioning a lot... I was worried I had said too much in my last email to peanuts parents... I was fretting thinking that this was it, the slow "fade away" had begun. I should know by now these fears are completely unwarranted! As much as they are absolutely perfect for peanut, they are completely perfect for me! Her parents have proven over and over their love and care for me. Obviously this is a sensitive subject so I think that's why I get self conscious about it all and why I start to worry... Not a good enough excuse though.... Worry steals joy & the joy of The Lord is our strength, so in essence our worry causes us to miserable! No thanks!

Tonight, after I had been through emotional highs and lows all day, I received the email my heart was longing for. Now to a lot of you there is no reference point for this. But you have to understand that these emails that come (at least) once a month helps me heal in a way I never once thought about before... They are like a soothing oil on a sore... They are sent to me just as I need them. Peanuts mom will probably never know the impact those emails have... Maybe someday ill be able to explain to them how unexplainably important they have been to my healing process

So, Even in my weakness, my moments of doubt.... It's good to know that my God is always good. He always knows what we need when we need it. His timing is always right. I need to learn to BE STILL, to REST and focus on His blessings, knowing that it will all come together, that it will all be PERFECT... In HIS time.... 

Surprise, Surprise....

I like surprises - sometimes.... Depending on a few things (and this is my controlling side by the way) WHO is surprising me, WHO is going to be there, WHAT is it for, etc.... I've been surprised a few times and each time its been wonderful surprises!

Life, however, is NOT something I like being surprised about. You see I'm a crazy planner - and a darn good one if I do say so myself. Just ask my family about my "binder 'O fun". I like knowing when, where, why, with whom, and all the little details. Well, hate to break it to you, if you haven't figured it out already, but our God doesn't work like that. He usually doesn't ask our permission before letting things happen in our life, or bringing new challenges (sometimes dressed as people) into our world.

This story I'm about to share is going to shock a lot of you, however some of you might know it already. I feel its time for me to explain about exactly how far Jesus has brought me this past year... and how wonderful he has been to me....

Before I dedicated my life to Jesus I was a sad person, I felt my worth, and my value was based on men (Boy was I ever wrong!!). So to gain affection, "love", acceptance, etc... I would sleep with them. A very fast spiral in the downward direction for sure! Well, I got pregnant for the third time, right before I became a Christian last fall. Through different circumstances I thought I had lost her, the clinic told me I had! So imagine my surprise a few weeks before Christmas feeling her kick me!! Definitely NOT a planned surprise! Here I was a newly single mom of 2 young kids, pregnant AGAIN! Between the time I thought I lost her and when I realized I had not, I had given my life to Jesus. I was getting my life back on track, making good decisions. So as soon as I realized she was still alive I knew I wouldn't be able to keep her. There was no way I could do 3 kids (all under the age of 4) on my own. Ok, well I might have been able to "do" it... but would it have been the BEST for her? No, not even close. So from my mother heart, I decided that adoption would be the best plan for peanut (which I affectionately called her during my pregnancy).

Long story short, God placed this amazing and completely wonderful Christian couple in the agency I was using for the adoption process. I knew right away that these were the parents set apart by God to raise little peanut. I had my ups and downs the months leading up to her arrival. Its a lonely path to walk honestly. Most people have no clue how to even begin to relate and most distanced themselves since they didn't know what to say or do to make it "better". Jesus never left my side though, he gave my family strength to walk with me. He increased our faith daily as we saw his hand work from the little things to the big unknown things.

The big day finally arrived... peanuts parents traveled from out of state and were just in time to be at the hospital when she was born (May 3, 2013). Her mom got to be the first to hold her. To watch the joy on her parents faces as they looked at the most wonderful gift they had ever been given was the confirmation I needed to know this was exactly God's plan. To give them something they had wanted so badly, I made a dream come true for them. I helped them become a family. I knew at that moment Peanut would be loved beyond measure, cared for, raised in a Christian home, and given every opportunity she could dream of. Because of God's indescribable peace I have never once looked back, not once regretted my decision to place her. God's comfort, and yes! even joy were so abundant! He was and has been so very faithful to me. Carrying me on days when I thought I never would make it to see another sunrise. I could write for pages of his goodness and love for me.

I have "bad" days, which are to be expected, but folks its nothing compared to others I know.... I feel the tears, the sadness come, I embrace it, cry it out and move on. His strength has sustained me... His hand has comforted me. In so many ways, so many times I've known his presence.

Our pastor says something I love - "God doesn't have a plan B, plan A always works". Did me getting pregnant surprise God? No. Did he freak out and say 'great! she's pregnant again! what are we gonna do now?!' No, he didn't. He had, since before time began, set aside this wonderful family to be peanuts parents. He set me apart to walk this journey so that I could minister to others. To encourage them, and help show them that Jesus cares and knows right where they are. He comforts those who mourn. He turns our bad decisions into something beautiful. Only HE can turn beauty from ashes! My life was ashes, dead girl walking... but HE gave me my life back, HE gave me joy and peace, HE turned my mistakes into wonderful blessings!

So here I am almost 3 months out from placing little peanut. Her parents keep in contact through email, sending updates on how she is and sending pictures. I am so blessed by them. Every day I see God's hand on my life. I feel his spirit encouraging me and strengthening me to share my story. How could I stay silent?! How could I not give God all the glory... Its by his strength, his peace and mercy that I am alive today. He has so much in store for me and the kids. I believe someday someone will come along who will love us as a Godly father and husband. I don't think about that much though, I know whatever God has planned its PERFECT... I just cant wait to see what each new day brings... who he brings my way that I could show his love to....

So, all that to say! Surprises are only surprises to us... Our God is in CONTROL! He sees it all and uses everything to our good, if we let him work in our lives. Please take this story as testimony of God's unending love, his mercy and faithfulness that DOES NOT hinge on our faithfulness or love towards him. He is always standing right there waiting for us to reach out and say "I need you, I cant do this on my own anymore".... only then can he hold you, comfort and carry you through whatever you are facing...

Happy Anniversary of a Different Kind....

July 3rd of last year I was forced by a set of uncontrollable circumstances, to move. I left my children's father in Charleston and move to Conway with my parents. It was to be a temporary situation. However God had bigger plans for me and my babies.

Let me explain.... the way I was living was not what God wanted for me. Deep down inside I didn't want to be there either. I just didn't know how (like the prodigal) to get home. A lot had happened over the 4 years since I had walked away and the thought of going home was extremely hard and humbling for me. But here I found myself. I tried to hold onto my relationship with their father, but the longer I was home, the more Jesus was breaking down my walls and strengthening me to face the decision I had to make, the decision to move on.

One Sunday I went with my parents to this new church they discovered in Surfside. They raved about how awesome it was and how the pastor was preaching what they always longed to hear; Grace and Mercy WITHOUT legalism. I knew that's what I wanted my kids to experience so I thought I'd try it out. I was still being super stubborn (hard to imagine I know! LOL).... It took 3 visits to Journey Church where each time God broke into the service to speak to me. He spoke though Pastor Tom, and other people who wanted to pray for me. I finally acknowledged my way of doing life wasn't working and decided to walk back into a relationship with Jesus.

Now for those who are unfamiliar with all this I will explain. Yes, there is a God and NO, he doesn't live a billion light years away, He DOES care about each of us, our lives and loves us more than we could ever imagine. His love is far greater than any human love. But because I was a sinner, due to my choices I had separated myself from God. When this happens life is empty, it has a sense of meaninglessness. You can strive to succeed, to further your career or find the perfect man or have kids... but at the end of the day deep inside you feel something is missing. Its within all of us the desire to know our creator, our God. That's the longing you feel. Here is the good part, God didn't want us to stay separated. He knew a sentence had to be paid for our sin, and he knew we could never pay that price. So he sent the only thing that would pay for our sins, and in fact OVERPAY. So no matter what you did yesterday, today or even tomorrow its already been covered. He send his son Jesus. He died and came back from the grave 3 days later. He is stronger than death. He is bigger than anything in this world, good or evil. He longs for us to love him, to have a relationship with him. That's what I was speaking of... giving my life back to Jesus, meaning consciously leaving my sin behind and walking with Him (yes I still sin, but now I've accepted his forgiveness by entering into this special relationship).

So, today marks a different kind of anniversary. A joyful one. Its the day Jesus drastically made a way out for me. He has been in control of my path back to him the whole time. He sure does love me and my kids. He has proven his protection, provision, and guidance of us over and over and over again. He isn't done with me yet! He has big plans for me and my babies. All I have to do is keep loving him and by his grace, live the best I can. I just cant wait to see what more he has for us and who we are going to show his love to along the way!

The ripple effect

Ah the inevitable blog about choices... You knew this one was coming!

"To every decision you make there is a consequence. A good consequence or a bad consequence. Choose wisely"

If I heard that 10 times growing up I heard it a million! My daddy, in his fatherly wisdom, used to say that to me constantly. Maybe he saw part of himself in me, maybe he was praying it would sink in and that I would make good choices and not have to hurt from the bad consequences. But none of us are protected from bad choices, we all have made them... I'm walking proof of a life filled with choices made in a quick moment or just out of Gods will. I'm thankful and continuously humbled by the Grace and Mercy God still shows me constantly. Not only does he forgive, he actually takes our bad choice and changes the outcome! What say what!?!? He takes our bad choices and turns them into something good?! That blows my mind! Another example of Gods redeeming power. 

Now hold up! This is not a license to just go about doing whatever you please knowing its all gonna be ok in the end anyway... Nope.

When you make a choice of any kind the ripples from that choice sometimes go on and on and on. For me a big one is the man I decided to live with and have children with. Are my babies bad choices? No! Because the bible says "children are a gift from The Lord". We don't create life, God does. However, the consequences of WHO I chose to have them with is the point. He is not a godly man/father and for the rest of my life I will have to deal with him because of a choice! 

Because of resent choices I've made, normal and should be relaxing situations have become uncomfortable and stressful. I am over and over again reminded of how lonely I am for friendships and how strongly I feel a misfit. However I can only blame myself for once again, this issue is from poor choices... 

Bad consequences are easy to spot, they are wrapped in tears and surrounded by pain.... But not only for you, and this is my point for this long blog post.... Everything you do, either good or bad the outcome ALWAYS effects those around you. 

So here's a reminder to me and you, choose wisely... Your decisions today effect your tomorrow's... 

The longest short distance

So I've been going through some mind/thought shifting lately... I've had this habit of thinking the worst about myself for as long as I can remember. Now I know what you are thinking, "so what Rach, I do the same thing" and you very well might, but my mental "record" that plays over and over has actually become a part of who I am. The things I've always told myself have played so long in my head it has drowned out everything and everyone else. They are all lies, but after awhile you just start believing them... Things like I'm worthless, a failure, unlovable, unneeded, I'll never get it right, and the list goes on and on. You get the idea. 

I've been challenged recently by a close friend of mine, to really evaluate that "record". she honestly said does it glorify God? Well, does it?! No. It doesn't. Does it match up with what I know His word says? Nope. It doesn't edify Him, it doesn't help anyone! If anything it weighs me down so I can stay depressed and wallow in self pity instead of seeing those hurting around me. Boiled down it's quite selfish of me...

So here's been the tough part - old habits die hard. I've discovered the distance between your heart and mind is the longest short distance. In my mind I'm changing my "habit" of negative thinking, but to get my heart to grasp that and understand/believe it is a whole different challenge. Why?! Why is it so hard for us to believe the best and so much easier to believe the worst? 

I'm on this journey as you all have witnessed. I've been up and down, I've tripped and fallen and I've come through things I never once thought I could possibly survive . But this hurdle has been a tough one to be honest with you. It's that head to heart thing. I've prayed that God just makes it click for me, because I believe its my greatest stumbling block. I think this is what effects everything else I do/say. It's like if I could get this one thing corrected a lot of my other struggles wouldn't be an issue anymore.

There is no happy conclusion to this entry, no "I've figured it out!".... I just continue to believe He has a greater plan for me than to suck mud and wallow in self pity. It's my choice, to stay here or move forward... 

So daily I come to Jesus and He is faithfully helping me re-recording my "mind record" to say; I AM beautiful, I AM needed, I AM a child of God, I AM forgiven and redeemed, I AM loved, I AM set apart to be used by God, I AM! I AM! I AM!!! Because HE says so! And frankly He is the only one that matters....

Song on my heart....

"Tell your heart to beat again"

Phillips, Craig, & Dean

Forgiven

If only you’d forgive yourself

You’ve been made new

But you’re standing where you fell

Because when you look in the mirror

It seems like all you ever see

Are the scars of every failure

And the you that you used to be

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

You’ll live to love another day

Yesterday’s a closing door

And you don’t live there anymore

So say goodbye to where you’ve been

And tell your heart to beat again

Forgiven

Just let that word wash over you

It’s all right now

Love’s healing hands have pulled you through

So, get back up and take step one

And now you’re new life has begun

And know that if the Son has set you free

Then you are free indeed!

Hope is reaching from a rugged cross

Where a perfect love recaptured all the innocence that’s lost

And mercy’s calling from an empty grave

So lift your eyes to heaven

And hear your Savior say

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

You’ll live to love another day

Yesterday’s a closing door

And you don’t live there anymore

So say goodbye to where you’ve been

And tell your heart to beat again

Re-Creation in Process...

Just when I thought life was going well, I was making good choices, my kids and I were headed in the right direction... I slipped up. I made a mistake which led to other mistakes... Now I'm looking around questioning myself, my worth, and surprisingly I'm questioning Gods Grace. Is it true? Can I be loved even though I've made mistakes? Mistakes I knew not to make... I've let down everyone who loves and supports me. I think to myself... I don't deserve to be loved. I'm not worth anything to this world... to the church, to my kids.... but could it be that I'm valuable to Him? Even after all I've done....

My heart longs to have God look at me and be pleased with me, with my life... I feel so very far from that most days... I feel like Frodo in 'Lord of the Rings'. He's so tired and worn down from his journey and as he looks towards Mordor and seeing it so far away, he feels utterly defeated, utterly hopeless... it looks completely unreachable.... But isn't that how God wants us sometimes? So helpless and hopeless that we have no where else to go but to Him? These questions plague my mind... The real question I revert to however, is where do I go from here? From this point, this very moment? Do I accept Gods grace, repent and move on? Or do I stay here feeling sorry for myself and beating myself up?

I sit holding my breath, knowing those around me will surely condemn me, look down on me and think less of me as a person and as a Jesus-Follower. I definitely know how the adulterous woman felt as the crowd was getting ready to stone her. She felt the fear of dying, but she also felt extreme shame, deep regret and utter hopelessness that completely consumed her. Thank heavens the story didn't end there! When Jesus looked at her he ONLY saw her heart, who she was beyond her actions, beyond her short comings. He saw his little girl, hurt and alone, broken and torn down. He reached into her world and told her "I love you, no matter what you've done, no matter what you will do... you are MINE".... what a powerful illustration of God's Grace at work... What a humbling story to identify with... What an awesome God....

One other big thing I also need to remind myself of is that we DO NOT live for confirmation or favor of others. We need to remember to live for CHRIST ALONE. No one else's opinion should be able to mold your life or your attitude.... Stay humble, but know GOD's love and blessings do not rely on what those around you think of you. The verse says "Gods Grace is SUFFICIENT" - sufficient means overpayment... His grace is more than enough for everything we have done, or going to do... All I have to do is accept it... closing my eyes and ears to what those around me are thinking and saying, holding fast to the TRUTH that my God still loves me and always will.

So, here I stand, at this moment.... I am dusting myself off... I'm getting up and trying again, knowing that God is always there to catch me when I fall and hold my hand as I continue on this 'broken made whole' journey... This journey of Grace....

Who Cares? Facts & Solutions

Facts & Solutions 

Fact: no matter how hard you try you can't please everyone

Fact: at any given moment one or more people are upset with you and you don't even know it (or know why)

Fact: some people are never happy with you. Ever.

Fact: living under the pressure placed on you by such people will steal your joy, it will take your eyes off Jesus and will change the way you see yourself

Solution:

Praise Jesus there is a solution! STOP CARING! Now hear me out! that does not mean you go around offending people with no regard to feelings or situations. It does mean, however that you do not put their opinion of you/your life higher than Gods. For many many many years I've search for mans approval. To make sure everyone all the time was happy with me. Know what happened? I couldn't do it! It ran me ragged, stole my joy, I was miserable and a nervous wreck! But when I came back to Jesus this past fall and after all I've been through I've learned this lesson! I still fall back to those "people pleasing" mentalities, but I never stay there for long! Jesus said he would be all we needed... His opinion is the only one who matters... Like I said this doesn't give license to be insensitive, or not take into account another persons struggles, but when you are worrying more about what they think about your life more than what God thinks of your life, there needs to be some changes made, priorities need refocused, chains broken and freedom brought. If not you will be miserable, you will miss times when God could use you because your eyes weren't on him they were on others.

This is not meant to be ugly, it's meant to encourage you to really look at how much you do/say not to please Jesus but to please man... Freedom from this type of bondage is necessary for continued spiritual growth. 

Overwhelmed

"Overwhelmed" Big Daddy Weave

I see the work of Your Hands Galaxies spin in a Heavenly dance oh God All that You are is so overwhelming

I hear the sound of Your Voice All at once it’s a gentle and thundering noise oh God All that You are is so overwhelming

I delight myself in You Captivated by Your beauty I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

God, I run into Your arms Unashamed because of mercy I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

I know the power of Your Cross Forgiven and free forever You’ll be my God

All that You’ve done is so overwhelming I delight myself in You In the Glory of Your Presence I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

God, I run into Your arms Unashamed because of mercy I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

Ribbons and Bows

I went walking on the beach today, which has become a nice quiet time for me after my weekly meeting at church. It was cold, windy and just plain gloomy! As I walked I kept my head down, not due to the cold, but the fact that I was searching for something. I was searching for a seashell to take back to my baby girl, Grace. She absolutely loves the beach and has a special thing for shells. I was completely focused on the sand looking for the "perfect shell". The perfect color, shape, size, one that she would love... nothing seemed good enough, no matter how many i picked up and examined...

It was then that God decided to break into my little world and As I continued to look in concentrated silence He whispered the reminder to my heart "if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him"  (Matthew 7:11)

I paused.

Wow, as much as i was determined to fight off the wind and chill, set fast on taking my precious daughter the most wonderful shell i could find. As much as my love for her and desire to see her face light up, our heavenly father does the same for us! What?! He would search the beach for a seashell for us? Would He find us the perfect spouse to fit us, the exact job we needed, the good deal on groceries?? Yes i believe he would, he does and he longs to do even more...

We just need to slow down enough to recognize his gifts... And take time to thank him and get excited over his remembering us in the midst of this crazy world, he would search for the perfect "shell" to see our face light up....

Night & Day: Celebrating My Sister

Night and day, that's what we are. My sister and I. Although don't ask which is which... It's a toss up. She's 14mo younger than me. I don't have a single memory without her. We've fought, cried, laughed, hatched secret plans, had late night talks when we were supposed to be asleep. We've shared toys, cars, bedrooms and friends. She has taught me so much. Has walked with me through life without missing a step. I value her friendship more than anything.

She is my sister, Sara Marie.... And it just so happens she's 30 today!!!!

So on this special day I wanted to take time to celebrate her! She's a crazy loving aunt to my kids, she's fun, loves to laugh and comes up with the most hilarious one-liners that always keep me on my toes. She's been the best sister I could ever ask for, and shame on me for not telling her enough. Her walk with Jesus has been an encouragement to me and those around her... Bottom line, she is a wonderful, carrying and loving person. I'm just so blessed to call her my sister.

Happy Birthday Sis... May your next 30 be more than you could ever hope for.
I love you always!

Song for the Week....

Mercy Reigns
By: Elevation Worship
(click above for YouTube video)

My God is strong enough to raise me from the grave
Your love is great enough to take away my shame

Your mercy reigns

My God is making new the wreckage of my heart
Your hand is reaching down to pull me from the dark

Your mercy reigns
Your mercy covers me
Your grace sustains
Your grace is all I need

Your spirit is my strength to overcome the past
I set my eyes on you and find a grace that lasts

I'm forgiven, washed inside a love that never lets go
You never let go

He said "Do not FEAR!"

Today I began a list of helpful tips for my kids dad (not that I think he'll use it) to have when they start their weekend visitations. You see, they have never been without me, never. I'm finding myself suddenly facing the thought of having to let them go overnight with someone who, lets just face it folks, has done nothing but donate to their DNA. He extremely lacks the caring and attentive aspect of fatherhood. I say all this to help you understand the root of my fear....

Through these past months I've been given reason upon reason to not question my God, time after time He has shown that He is covering us, and providing for us. Why then do I fear? Why do I doubt His ability to keep my children safe? Let me clarify, I don't spend my days worrying and fretting. However, my children are my life, my heartbeats, my world and the thought of them being neglected and not being cared for as I would, sets my heart to fear.

Here is the challenge for me; in that moment when I am so fearful my heart hurts, when those around me voice their fears as well, what can I do?! My fears are justified! My concerns are real! Yet my God requires me to turn over control (news flash, I really had no control to begin with lol). He understands my fears, so He lovingly continues to reassure me that HE can handle it, that HIS plan is far above anything I could do to protect my babies.

Its a constant battle in my mind, satan loves to hit you where you are weak. We are all naturally controlling so to let go and back up (especially when it pertains to your most valuable treasures) goes against our human nature. But I'm trying and I'm learning everyday that HIS way is best. Doesn't mean the times I let them go won't be horrible, it just means I have a big God who will stand by me and remind me that He's got it ALL in His hands and no matter what, its going to be ok.

A new start.... a couple months late

I've titled this a "new start" for a couple reasons... I've never tried to blog before and my life has changed so drastically in the last 6 months, I'm going to try to catch you up!

To continue talking about the path I'm on now would require me to explain where my path has been already, so please hang with me, I'll try to make this as painless as possible lol. Last October I found myself down a road that I would never in my life have dreamed I'd be on. Years of choices had landed me in a place of utter depression, abuse, loneliness and hurt. In July of 2012, due to circumstances out of my control, my kids and I had to move in with my parents. It was only to be for a short time before we returned to their father, the man I had been living with for the past couple years. However, my God had other plans - much BIGGER plans. He slowly drew me back to Him, and in mid October I finally caved (I can be a bit stubborn) and decided that life wasn't for me any longer. I wanted better for me, and for my kids. I wanted to have Hope again. So taking a very shaky first step I told him I wasn't coming back. Thus started the Journey....

It has been a Journey of so many tears only God could know them all. I've been to the point of hanging on by a thread, literally. I've made decisions and choices over the years that have brought consequences I will have to carry for the rest of my life. But in the midst of the fog, the tears, the fear, I have found a God I never knew before. One who was so anxiously waiting for my return and danced for days when I came home to Him. Ever since that moment my heart turned back, I have known complete peace. Yes, there have been days (and mostly nights) where I couldn't breath the fear for my children was so great, the pain of the fight I had gotten into with their father was almost more than I could handle. It seemed life kept handing me one pothole after another! "When will this end?!" I remember screaming one night... But my friends, there was always that Peace.... that solid rock that my feet would landed on.

Thanks why I've started this blog really. Its not to 'inform' you as to my life and all its drama - no. Its to share the amazing stories of my God, His faithfulness when I had been and sometimes continue to be so very unfaithful to Him. His Grace is something I don't think any of us really 'get'. Oh sure we've heard a million sermons about grace and know the hymn inside and out. But do we really KNOW Grace? He is showing me what that looks like, what that means in my life. My God has covered me and my babies so many times I can't keep silent! He has rescued us and will continue to to provide and carry us through these next months and years... and to be honest - with all its heartache uncertainty, and craziness, I'm looking forward to seeing what God has for us, to see what He is preparing me and my kids to do for Him.

So please! Come along and hear about what my God has done! May it strengthen your faith, and I pray somehow touch your heart where you need encouraging.

Welcome to MY Journey of Grace!