The longest short distance

So I've been going through some mind/thought shifting lately... I've had this habit of thinking the worst about myself for as long as I can remember. Now I know what you are thinking, "so what Rach, I do the same thing" and you very well might, but my mental "record" that plays over and over has actually become a part of who I am. The things I've always told myself have played so long in my head it has drowned out everything and everyone else. They are all lies, but after awhile you just start believing them... Things like I'm worthless, a failure, unlovable, unneeded, I'll never get it right, and the list goes on and on. You get the idea. 

I've been challenged recently by a close friend of mine, to really evaluate that "record". she honestly said does it glorify God? Well, does it?! No. It doesn't. Does it match up with what I know His word says? Nope. It doesn't edify Him, it doesn't help anyone! If anything it weighs me down so I can stay depressed and wallow in self pity instead of seeing those hurting around me. Boiled down it's quite selfish of me...

So here's been the tough part - old habits die hard. I've discovered the distance between your heart and mind is the longest short distance. In my mind I'm changing my "habit" of negative thinking, but to get my heart to grasp that and understand/believe it is a whole different challenge. Why?! Why is it so hard for us to believe the best and so much easier to believe the worst? 

I'm on this journey as you all have witnessed. I've been up and down, I've tripped and fallen and I've come through things I never once thought I could possibly survive . But this hurdle has been a tough one to be honest with you. It's that head to heart thing. I've prayed that God just makes it click for me, because I believe its my greatest stumbling block. I think this is what effects everything else I do/say. It's like if I could get this one thing corrected a lot of my other struggles wouldn't be an issue anymore.

There is no happy conclusion to this entry, no "I've figured it out!".... I just continue to believe He has a greater plan for me than to suck mud and wallow in self pity. It's my choice, to stay here or move forward... 

So daily I come to Jesus and He is faithfully helping me re-recording my "mind record" to say; I AM beautiful, I AM needed, I AM a child of God, I AM forgiven and redeemed, I AM loved, I AM set apart to be used by God, I AM! I AM! I AM!!! Because HE says so! And frankly He is the only one that matters....