est. 1982

Another year has gone by.... yep I'm another year older... first off I don't feel 33, so am I really? LOL

I've taken a good amount of time reflecting over this past year. Actually the past couple years.... One of the things I've always said was that I wanted a big party for my 30th birthday. You only turn 30 once right? and I wanted it to be BIG! However, because of who I was with and where I was in life it turned into literally one of the worst birthdays on record.

Fast forward 3 years and I'm amazed and overwhelmed by where I am now. Its a completely different life I have. God is so very good! Where I have been so unfaithful He has stayed right by my side and provided more than I could ever ask for. So I thought I would take a moment and be thankful... first off that I'm still alive and second for all the blessings I've been given.... even when I didn't/don't deserve them.

Its amazing but I can actually sit here and proudly say I'm a new person, a much better person. I am loved by those who accept me as I am - yet push me to be better everyday. I've never had relationships like that before, and now I have quite a few! I'm in a job that I love! I've been moved into management, I've never thought I would be running a whole store - but here I am! My children are thriving and growing in Jesus everyday. They are healthy and vibrant... they are my joy...

As I've sat and processed all of this these past weeks.... even remembering the really tough moments.... I'm thankful - for the people who have stood by me, For my family who have always believed in me. Thankful for my bad choices because they are what brought me to my knees at the feet of Jesus. I'm thankful for every struggle, every tear, every sleepless night.... it was through those times that I began to actually KNOW Jesus. I'm thankful that He never let me go....

and Thanks to YOU for the birthday well wishes... it means so much to remember I'm loved by so many....

Bring on year #33!!!

Spring 2010

February 2015

 

Sometimes....

There are so many times when I feel that I don't belong. Times that I feel completely disconnected from those who are supposed to be closest to me. Sometimes, due to my life and where I am (single mom) it makes it so I can't relate to those around me. I feel out of place. Unwanted. Cast aside. Forgotten. The odd man out. Which leads to resentment and hurt feelings. 

Then there are those times when I realize it really doesn't matter! I don't care anymore! I am who I am. I have struggles many could never even begin to understand! So I remind myself that we are all in this life together. So we don't all see eye to eye. So we don't have close bonds or talk everyday. So what? We know we have each other's backs when the times get tough. Always.  

Life is different for me now. I don't relate with others like I used to. I've walked a very rough road these last few years. They have changed who I am and how I view the world. Sadly it's made it hard for others to "get" me. BUT I came to the understanding that it's ok. That honestly this is just how's it's gonna be and its OK. 

So tonight I'm thankful for my family for always loving this "3rd wheel". For my absolutely wonderful friends who have actually chosen to love me!!! For those that are walking my life with me and those that watch from a distance. I'm thankful for all of you. You all have a place in my life no matter how big or small. 

I'm changing. A lot! it's so great! My thought process. My attitude. I'm changing what I spend my energy on and how much I care about things that don't matter at all!! This is the new me. Slowly growing into who I was supposed to be all along.  

I am that I am and that's all that I am!! 

Thanks for loving me....

Lonely Restlessness

DISCLAIMER:
Sorry to those who are looking for a pick-me-up post....
One of hope and brightness.... this one isn't it and I do apologize.

Today for some reason I have been severely down in the dumps. I'm extremely tired of being alone.... and please! before anyone says "you need to be happy with where you are before God brings you someone" - let me tell you I don't believe that statement. I am very happy with my life. My job is awesome, my kids are my world.... but I go through my days knowing and feeling that there is a missing piece. I can once again only blame myself for this lonely feeling. If I would have chosen a little more wisely my children and I wouldn't be on our own. Acknowledging that fact doesn't lessen the intense feeling of worthlessness. The feeling that today is just like yesterday and will be just like tomorrow. It will consist of nothing more and nothing less than Donuts, Coffee, Kids and Laundry....

Tomorrow is Mothers Day.... I am a mother... a single one... who leads this family as best I can, who oversees almost all meals, bath times, bed times, nightmares and booboos.... the weight of all this I carry alone. I have made the hardest decisions of my life for the good of this little family.... I've just hit a peak of intense restlessness and I'm having a hard time being ok with where I am.

Maybe I need a vacation, maybe a girls night out... I know both would only band aid this feeling.
So I guess I'll just take a deep breath, and keep moving forward.... the best I can, the best I know how....

Thanks for listening and letting me vent guys...
Love you all
Rachel

"Are you sure?!"

After church on Sunday this following conversation happened in the van. Seemed innocent enough, but my heart caught as it brought to light a good example.....

Grace: Mommy we need to go back you forgot my jacket!!
Me: No Grace I got it
G: No you didn't!!! (Increased hysteria)
M: Grace I did get it
G: But I don't see it! (starting to cry)
M: Its on the floor under your seat I promise.
G: Are you sure?!
M: Yes Grace I'm sure I got it ok?

Now due to the fact that this child is mine and being that she is 4, it took a lot more than that to convince her. I actually had to SHOW her the jacket for her to calm down and believe me.

In that moment I saw a different side of this story.... I'll explain - this coming Friday is a big BIG day for me and my little family. I have to go to 4 hours of mediation with their father. Its the most important meeting so far (concerning their future and his role in their life) and if this doesn't go well we will have to go to trial, which means lots of money and more time off work. I'm not going to lie, there are moments I'm scared, and worried. But this little incident with Grace and the jacket reminded me of something. How many times do I sit there and say "God you forgot us!!" "Are you SURE you have everything under control?" - just like Grace felt unsure and scared. All that time that I sit and worry is basically questioning God's ability to provide and protect us. When God is sitting there continuously saying "I got this - didn't I tell you I would?" "trust me I've got it!". Thankfully he doesn't get as impatient with me as I did with Grace (just being honest).

Whatever is going to happen on Friday is already set in motion. Without meaning to sound dreadfully dramatic, it has really all come down to this.... my only job now is to walk through it trusting and knowing that God has it all under control... No matter what the outcome, no matter how it may look in my eyes, I have to stand on the belief that it is what He has planned for us.... and that He will never leave us.

Just wanted to share this little insight....

Hope for Tomorrow....

Grief - we all have dealt with it in some form or another. Over the years I have grieved loved ones lost. Pets. Friends moving away. The list could go on.... But tonight I grieve for entirely different reasons. A beautiful far-away friend has always encouraged me to "feel it out". To let the emotions come. Feel them. And let them go. So here I am trying to write those feelings out... Bare with me. 

Tonight grief for myself and my children weighs heavy on my heart. I cry for myself- my past, my present, my constantly uncertain future. I cry for my children- the choices I've made have so strongly effected their little lives. I grieve for what has been & what is now. 

Please don't misunderstand. I'm entirely thankful for my life. For my amazing family who have so strongly stood by my side over the past 6 years - through deeper heartache and fear and pain than most could ever begin to understand. Never once wavering from carrying me when I could not put one foot in front of the other. For my children who are truely my life, my breath. They are my purpose. My gifts.

But.....

Even in the midst of being grateful there are times when I come to a mirror of sorts. Times of forced reflection. Not to stay in that 'backward looking' place but to hopefully process it. 

I look back on poor choices and I grieve. I look on opportunities missed and my heart breaks. I look on forgiveness given just a moment too late and I hurt. 

I've found my life to not be what I have expected, but I'm here. I'm alive. I walk this road alone in so many aspects. Close friends are hard to come by and life consists of work and my children. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

But.....

In the midst of the tears, and the silent screams that pour from my heart - I look forward - knowing the dawn of a new day is on the way... That each choice I make today is bettering my tomorrow. The negative I've reaped for so long due to sowing seeds of bad choices will soon be overtaken by the fruits of making good choices.

Hope. 

That's what I cling to in moments like these. These moments of grief.... 

**thank you for graciously reading this blog. This spilling of feelings :) it's how I process**

My Son

I know I just posted a new blog but I had to write this one out. 

Last night I was trying to put my 2 year old son Gabriel to bed. I walked in his room and found him quietly playing. So I say down and just watched him. 

He was playing with blocks. His little hands building a tower, you could see his little mind working. I sat and just stared at him for almost 20minutes. I just wanted to pause that moment so I could soak it up as much as I could. I know he's growing up so fast. He's my favorite little man and he's definitely a mamas-boy. He's creative and a bit OCD. He's my snuggle bug and is always laughing. He's got that typical boy 'I'm getting into trouble' look. I have a hard time keeping a straight face when I'm correcting him because of his facial expressions and mannerisms. 

I am both mommy and daddy to my kids since their father isn't an active part of their world. So I was worried he'd be influenced by us girls too much. Umm NO. I can safely say he is all boy! And the joy of my heart. 

Ok just wanted to brag on my boy and remind myself and y'all that it goes by so quick. I have to make a point to slow down and "soak" them in. 

Reflection.... & Blessings

I know I know! This is a few weeks late, but better late than not at all!

So, 2013.... What a year huh? As I sit here and reflect on the past 12 months it brings back a lot of emotions. It was up, then down, then really down. There were victories in watching God's hand work in my life and there were defeats of working through my bad days. There were more tears shed this year than all my previous years put together I do believe. I found out what TRUE friendship really is and the unconditional love of family (Not just blood either). But the one constant theme is PEACE.
Peace has been the steadiness in all of the roller coaster moments. Even when I thought I couldn't cry another tear, that no more emotion could be rung out of me, Peace was the solid foundation my feet landed on every single time I thought I had hit rock bottom.

Lets do a VERY quick recap shall we?
I moved away to PA to start over, I had to move back to SC (which was exactly where God wanted me to begin with), I was pregnant, and gave birth to a perfect baby girl in May and 2 days later joined the ranks of other women by became a birthmom (a woman who places her child for adoption). I went back to work in August, placed my children in daycare, and through all this had multiple court hearings with their father. Which I must say is probably the one thing in my life I actually hate. I hate court.

That of course is the slim version, but in between those lines you can sense the tears and unspeakable hurt. Disappointment in myself. Doubt, Fear, and Failures. You also read of Hope and Faith and Love. Of friendships that never would have been without walking through this tough year. Peace in knowing no matter what was happening I would live and it would all be OK.

My life is in no way what I thought it would be at this point. In less than a month I'll be 32 and through the tears and fears and utter confusion God has been making my ashes into beauty. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined to be here - right now - in this place a year ago.

BUT! because this journey is a crazy and wild one, I also have so much to be thankful for! So along with this 'reflection' I am going to take a minute to brag on my blessings this past year and start looking forward with hope...

~ I am blessed by people who truly love me and care for me (and not just my family).
~ I have found a group of women who love me and carry me and cry with me when I need help putting one foot in front of the other.
~ I have job that is NOT what I ever thought Id be doing but its a job which is better than most have right now.
~ I have 2 beautiful children who keep me laughing and frankly are bound and determined to give me grey hair! I couldn't imagine my life without them. They are my complete world.
~ I also have a birth daughter who lives with her mommy and daddy up north... she is perfect and even though she doesn't know it, she saved my life.
~ Her parents are one of my biggest blessings. They are amazing people who love her so much. God knew what he was doing when he set them aside to be her parents. I am so grateful to them.

OK, Ill stop - although you know I could go on and on.... but you get the idea...

So with that I say "Goodbye 2013! I'm very happy to be closing your book" and
"Hello 2014! Be kind would ya?"

Love you all and sending you blessings this new year!
Rachel