The ripple effect

Ah the inevitable blog about choices... You knew this one was coming!

"To every decision you make there is a consequence. A good consequence or a bad consequence. Choose wisely"

If I heard that 10 times growing up I heard it a million! My daddy, in his fatherly wisdom, used to say that to me constantly. Maybe he saw part of himself in me, maybe he was praying it would sink in and that I would make good choices and not have to hurt from the bad consequences. But none of us are protected from bad choices, we all have made them... I'm walking proof of a life filled with choices made in a quick moment or just out of Gods will. I'm thankful and continuously humbled by the Grace and Mercy God still shows me constantly. Not only does he forgive, he actually takes our bad choice and changes the outcome! What say what!?!? He takes our bad choices and turns them into something good?! That blows my mind! Another example of Gods redeeming power. 

Now hold up! This is not a license to just go about doing whatever you please knowing its all gonna be ok in the end anyway... Nope.

When you make a choice of any kind the ripples from that choice sometimes go on and on and on. For me a big one is the man I decided to live with and have children with. Are my babies bad choices? No! Because the bible says "children are a gift from The Lord". We don't create life, God does. However, the consequences of WHO I chose to have them with is the point. He is not a godly man/father and for the rest of my life I will have to deal with him because of a choice! 

Because of resent choices I've made, normal and should be relaxing situations have become uncomfortable and stressful. I am over and over again reminded of how lonely I am for friendships and how strongly I feel a misfit. However I can only blame myself for once again, this issue is from poor choices... 

Bad consequences are easy to spot, they are wrapped in tears and surrounded by pain.... But not only for you, and this is my point for this long blog post.... Everything you do, either good or bad the outcome ALWAYS effects those around you. 

So here's a reminder to me and you, choose wisely... Your decisions today effect your tomorrow's... 

The longest short distance

So I've been going through some mind/thought shifting lately... I've had this habit of thinking the worst about myself for as long as I can remember. Now I know what you are thinking, "so what Rach, I do the same thing" and you very well might, but my mental "record" that plays over and over has actually become a part of who I am. The things I've always told myself have played so long in my head it has drowned out everything and everyone else. They are all lies, but after awhile you just start believing them... Things like I'm worthless, a failure, unlovable, unneeded, I'll never get it right, and the list goes on and on. You get the idea. 

I've been challenged recently by a close friend of mine, to really evaluate that "record". she honestly said does it glorify God? Well, does it?! No. It doesn't. Does it match up with what I know His word says? Nope. It doesn't edify Him, it doesn't help anyone! If anything it weighs me down so I can stay depressed and wallow in self pity instead of seeing those hurting around me. Boiled down it's quite selfish of me...

So here's been the tough part - old habits die hard. I've discovered the distance between your heart and mind is the longest short distance. In my mind I'm changing my "habit" of negative thinking, but to get my heart to grasp that and understand/believe it is a whole different challenge. Why?! Why is it so hard for us to believe the best and so much easier to believe the worst? 

I'm on this journey as you all have witnessed. I've been up and down, I've tripped and fallen and I've come through things I never once thought I could possibly survive . But this hurdle has been a tough one to be honest with you. It's that head to heart thing. I've prayed that God just makes it click for me, because I believe its my greatest stumbling block. I think this is what effects everything else I do/say. It's like if I could get this one thing corrected a lot of my other struggles wouldn't be an issue anymore.

There is no happy conclusion to this entry, no "I've figured it out!".... I just continue to believe He has a greater plan for me than to suck mud and wallow in self pity. It's my choice, to stay here or move forward... 

So daily I come to Jesus and He is faithfully helping me re-recording my "mind record" to say; I AM beautiful, I AM needed, I AM a child of God, I AM forgiven and redeemed, I AM loved, I AM set apart to be used by God, I AM! I AM! I AM!!! Because HE says so! And frankly He is the only one that matters....

Song on my heart....

"Tell your heart to beat again"

Phillips, Craig, & Dean

Forgiven

If only you’d forgive yourself

You’ve been made new

But you’re standing where you fell

Because when you look in the mirror

It seems like all you ever see

Are the scars of every failure

And the you that you used to be

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

You’ll live to love another day

Yesterday’s a closing door

And you don’t live there anymore

So say goodbye to where you’ve been

And tell your heart to beat again

Forgiven

Just let that word wash over you

It’s all right now

Love’s healing hands have pulled you through

So, get back up and take step one

And now you’re new life has begun

And know that if the Son has set you free

Then you are free indeed!

Hope is reaching from a rugged cross

Where a perfect love recaptured all the innocence that’s lost

And mercy’s calling from an empty grave

So lift your eyes to heaven

And hear your Savior say

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

You’ll live to love another day

Yesterday’s a closing door

And you don’t live there anymore

So say goodbye to where you’ve been

And tell your heart to beat again

Re-Creation in Process...

Just when I thought life was going well, I was making good choices, my kids and I were headed in the right direction... I slipped up. I made a mistake which led to other mistakes... Now I'm looking around questioning myself, my worth, and surprisingly I'm questioning Gods Grace. Is it true? Can I be loved even though I've made mistakes? Mistakes I knew not to make... I've let down everyone who loves and supports me. I think to myself... I don't deserve to be loved. I'm not worth anything to this world... to the church, to my kids.... but could it be that I'm valuable to Him? Even after all I've done....

My heart longs to have God look at me and be pleased with me, with my life... I feel so very far from that most days... I feel like Frodo in 'Lord of the Rings'. He's so tired and worn down from his journey and as he looks towards Mordor and seeing it so far away, he feels utterly defeated, utterly hopeless... it looks completely unreachable.... But isn't that how God wants us sometimes? So helpless and hopeless that we have no where else to go but to Him? These questions plague my mind... The real question I revert to however, is where do I go from here? From this point, this very moment? Do I accept Gods grace, repent and move on? Or do I stay here feeling sorry for myself and beating myself up?

I sit holding my breath, knowing those around me will surely condemn me, look down on me and think less of me as a person and as a Jesus-Follower. I definitely know how the adulterous woman felt as the crowd was getting ready to stone her. She felt the fear of dying, but she also felt extreme shame, deep regret and utter hopelessness that completely consumed her. Thank heavens the story didn't end there! When Jesus looked at her he ONLY saw her heart, who she was beyond her actions, beyond her short comings. He saw his little girl, hurt and alone, broken and torn down. He reached into her world and told her "I love you, no matter what you've done, no matter what you will do... you are MINE".... what a powerful illustration of God's Grace at work... What a humbling story to identify with... What an awesome God....

One other big thing I also need to remind myself of is that we DO NOT live for confirmation or favor of others. We need to remember to live for CHRIST ALONE. No one else's opinion should be able to mold your life or your attitude.... Stay humble, but know GOD's love and blessings do not rely on what those around you think of you. The verse says "Gods Grace is SUFFICIENT" - sufficient means overpayment... His grace is more than enough for everything we have done, or going to do... All I have to do is accept it... closing my eyes and ears to what those around me are thinking and saying, holding fast to the TRUTH that my God still loves me and always will.

So, here I stand, at this moment.... I am dusting myself off... I'm getting up and trying again, knowing that God is always there to catch me when I fall and hold my hand as I continue on this 'broken made whole' journey... This journey of Grace....