ID please?

 

Identity - Definition; the distinguishing character or personality of an individual. 

     

       Who are you? No really... Who are you? When you introduce yourself to someone how is it worded? "Hi I'm Rachel, Grace and Gabriel's mom" is usually my answer since my children have become far more popular than I am at this point. Or "hi I'm _____  the secretary at church" " I'm DR. ____" "Im _____ friend of Tim Tebow (hey! It's all in who you know! Right?) "hi I'm _____, _____ wife" You get what I'm saying? So many people walk around not truly knowing who they are! Oh sure they know what they like, in clothes and movies and music, but they honestly have no clue of their God given identity. What makes them them. Not by what they do, or which church they belong to or if they root for the tigers or the gamecocks! If all of your "badges" were taken away, what would be left? Would you feel completely insecure? Like you were standing naked? If so you might want to recheck some things. Something I've learned as of late, is "who I am". You see for many years "who I am" was stripped from me. It was a slow fade. In fact I didn't even realize it until I stepped away and found I was not who I was before. It's taken most of this last year to build back who I am. To rediscover how He sees me. How blessed am I that God promised He will rebuild better and stronger than before! I now see clearly those who walk around with no idea who they are. (If you ever said that to them they would of course get defensive so I advise against that.) However, you can and should pray for them! Pray that God shows them who they are IN HIM. Even if that means taking down their badges to show their true selves. God needs people who are strong in who He made them to be. Not ones who see their identity and purpose in their title or association. 

I've just been seeing that a lot recently and thought I'd throw it out there. Be encouraged to seek who you are in Him. Not in anything else, because as we  know it can (and will) be gone in a blink. 

What it takes to stay....

Have you ever really listened to these words? Have you ever prayed them?

It is my desperate plea today... and every day to be honest...

 

"Stay"

Big Daddy Weave

I’ve seen the flash of lightning
I’ve heard the rolling thunder
I’ve seen the crashing of the waves
And though I’ve known Your Presence
and been filled with wonder
Still there are many things that pull me away
Don’t let me go, hold me close because

I don’t want to hurt You anymore
I don’t want to waste another day
‘Cause it breaks Your heart, it breaks Your heart
When I keep walking away

You know what it means to sacrifice
But You tell me that it’s better to obey
You’ve giving me a thousand brand new starts
Jesus, give me what it takes to stay

I’ve seen Your hand of mercy through my darkest failures
And on the other side You’ve covered me with grace
And like a child lost and afraid, You come and find this runaway
And in Your loving arms You bring me home again
But what’s it gonna take to make me stay

Break my heart with what breaks Yours
Until You’re all I’m living for
Show me what it means not just to believe but to remain

 

 

Time is OUR issue...

Why do I ever worry? Or doubt? Or fret? I leave my thoughts to stray and they never ever stray down positive paths... It's always negative paths...

Today was a bit of a downer day. I do have days where I feel the intense loss of my placement ( peanuts adoption ). It sometimes hits me out of the blue so hard I can barely breathe. The weight in my chest, the feeling of complete loss, squeezes my heart. It usually causes me to stop short and have to take a deep breath. I usually promise myself ill deal with that emotion later. I'm good at "saving" it for a better moment. I follow the basics of grief which are to accept it, feel it and then move on. Today I was feeling anxious and I was questioning a lot... I was worried I had said too much in my last email to peanuts parents... I was fretting thinking that this was it, the slow "fade away" had begun. I should know by now these fears are completely unwarranted! As much as they are absolutely perfect for peanut, they are completely perfect for me! Her parents have proven over and over their love and care for me. Obviously this is a sensitive subject so I think that's why I get self conscious about it all and why I start to worry... Not a good enough excuse though.... Worry steals joy & the joy of The Lord is our strength, so in essence our worry causes us to miserable! No thanks!

Tonight, after I had been through emotional highs and lows all day, I received the email my heart was longing for. Now to a lot of you there is no reference point for this. But you have to understand that these emails that come (at least) once a month helps me heal in a way I never once thought about before... They are like a soothing oil on a sore... They are sent to me just as I need them. Peanuts mom will probably never know the impact those emails have... Maybe someday ill be able to explain to them how unexplainably important they have been to my healing process

So, Even in my weakness, my moments of doubt.... It's good to know that my God is always good. He always knows what we need when we need it. His timing is always right. I need to learn to BE STILL, to REST and focus on His blessings, knowing that it will all come together, that it will all be PERFECT... In HIS time.... 

Surprise, Surprise....

I like surprises - sometimes.... Depending on a few things (and this is my controlling side by the way) WHO is surprising me, WHO is going to be there, WHAT is it for, etc.... I've been surprised a few times and each time its been wonderful surprises!

Life, however, is NOT something I like being surprised about. You see I'm a crazy planner - and a darn good one if I do say so myself. Just ask my family about my "binder 'O fun". I like knowing when, where, why, with whom, and all the little details. Well, hate to break it to you, if you haven't figured it out already, but our God doesn't work like that. He usually doesn't ask our permission before letting things happen in our life, or bringing new challenges (sometimes dressed as people) into our world.

This story I'm about to share is going to shock a lot of you, however some of you might know it already. I feel its time for me to explain about exactly how far Jesus has brought me this past year... and how wonderful he has been to me....

Before I dedicated my life to Jesus I was a sad person, I felt my worth, and my value was based on men (Boy was I ever wrong!!). So to gain affection, "love", acceptance, etc... I would sleep with them. A very fast spiral in the downward direction for sure! Well, I got pregnant for the third time, right before I became a Christian last fall. Through different circumstances I thought I had lost her, the clinic told me I had! So imagine my surprise a few weeks before Christmas feeling her kick me!! Definitely NOT a planned surprise! Here I was a newly single mom of 2 young kids, pregnant AGAIN! Between the time I thought I lost her and when I realized I had not, I had given my life to Jesus. I was getting my life back on track, making good decisions. So as soon as I realized she was still alive I knew I wouldn't be able to keep her. There was no way I could do 3 kids (all under the age of 4) on my own. Ok, well I might have been able to "do" it... but would it have been the BEST for her? No, not even close. So from my mother heart, I decided that adoption would be the best plan for peanut (which I affectionately called her during my pregnancy).

Long story short, God placed this amazing and completely wonderful Christian couple in the agency I was using for the adoption process. I knew right away that these were the parents set apart by God to raise little peanut. I had my ups and downs the months leading up to her arrival. Its a lonely path to walk honestly. Most people have no clue how to even begin to relate and most distanced themselves since they didn't know what to say or do to make it "better". Jesus never left my side though, he gave my family strength to walk with me. He increased our faith daily as we saw his hand work from the little things to the big unknown things.

The big day finally arrived... peanuts parents traveled from out of state and were just in time to be at the hospital when she was born (May 3, 2013). Her mom got to be the first to hold her. To watch the joy on her parents faces as they looked at the most wonderful gift they had ever been given was the confirmation I needed to know this was exactly God's plan. To give them something they had wanted so badly, I made a dream come true for them. I helped them become a family. I knew at that moment Peanut would be loved beyond measure, cared for, raised in a Christian home, and given every opportunity she could dream of. Because of God's indescribable peace I have never once looked back, not once regretted my decision to place her. God's comfort, and yes! even joy were so abundant! He was and has been so very faithful to me. Carrying me on days when I thought I never would make it to see another sunrise. I could write for pages of his goodness and love for me.

I have "bad" days, which are to be expected, but folks its nothing compared to others I know.... I feel the tears, the sadness come, I embrace it, cry it out and move on. His strength has sustained me... His hand has comforted me. In so many ways, so many times I've known his presence.

Our pastor says something I love - "God doesn't have a plan B, plan A always works". Did me getting pregnant surprise God? No. Did he freak out and say 'great! she's pregnant again! what are we gonna do now?!' No, he didn't. He had, since before time began, set aside this wonderful family to be peanuts parents. He set me apart to walk this journey so that I could minister to others. To encourage them, and help show them that Jesus cares and knows right where they are. He comforts those who mourn. He turns our bad decisions into something beautiful. Only HE can turn beauty from ashes! My life was ashes, dead girl walking... but HE gave me my life back, HE gave me joy and peace, HE turned my mistakes into wonderful blessings!

So here I am almost 3 months out from placing little peanut. Her parents keep in contact through email, sending updates on how she is and sending pictures. I am so blessed by them. Every day I see God's hand on my life. I feel his spirit encouraging me and strengthening me to share my story. How could I stay silent?! How could I not give God all the glory... Its by his strength, his peace and mercy that I am alive today. He has so much in store for me and the kids. I believe someday someone will come along who will love us as a Godly father and husband. I don't think about that much though, I know whatever God has planned its PERFECT... I just cant wait to see what each new day brings... who he brings my way that I could show his love to....

So, all that to say! Surprises are only surprises to us... Our God is in CONTROL! He sees it all and uses everything to our good, if we let him work in our lives. Please take this story as testimony of God's unending love, his mercy and faithfulness that DOES NOT hinge on our faithfulness or love towards him. He is always standing right there waiting for us to reach out and say "I need you, I cant do this on my own anymore".... only then can he hold you, comfort and carry you through whatever you are facing...

Happy Anniversary of a Different Kind....

July 3rd of last year I was forced by a set of uncontrollable circumstances, to move. I left my children's father in Charleston and move to Conway with my parents. It was to be a temporary situation. However God had bigger plans for me and my babies.

Let me explain.... the way I was living was not what God wanted for me. Deep down inside I didn't want to be there either. I just didn't know how (like the prodigal) to get home. A lot had happened over the 4 years since I had walked away and the thought of going home was extremely hard and humbling for me. But here I found myself. I tried to hold onto my relationship with their father, but the longer I was home, the more Jesus was breaking down my walls and strengthening me to face the decision I had to make, the decision to move on.

One Sunday I went with my parents to this new church they discovered in Surfside. They raved about how awesome it was and how the pastor was preaching what they always longed to hear; Grace and Mercy WITHOUT legalism. I knew that's what I wanted my kids to experience so I thought I'd try it out. I was still being super stubborn (hard to imagine I know! LOL).... It took 3 visits to Journey Church where each time God broke into the service to speak to me. He spoke though Pastor Tom, and other people who wanted to pray for me. I finally acknowledged my way of doing life wasn't working and decided to walk back into a relationship with Jesus.

Now for those who are unfamiliar with all this I will explain. Yes, there is a God and NO, he doesn't live a billion light years away, He DOES care about each of us, our lives and loves us more than we could ever imagine. His love is far greater than any human love. But because I was a sinner, due to my choices I had separated myself from God. When this happens life is empty, it has a sense of meaninglessness. You can strive to succeed, to further your career or find the perfect man or have kids... but at the end of the day deep inside you feel something is missing. Its within all of us the desire to know our creator, our God. That's the longing you feel. Here is the good part, God didn't want us to stay separated. He knew a sentence had to be paid for our sin, and he knew we could never pay that price. So he sent the only thing that would pay for our sins, and in fact OVERPAY. So no matter what you did yesterday, today or even tomorrow its already been covered. He send his son Jesus. He died and came back from the grave 3 days later. He is stronger than death. He is bigger than anything in this world, good or evil. He longs for us to love him, to have a relationship with him. That's what I was speaking of... giving my life back to Jesus, meaning consciously leaving my sin behind and walking with Him (yes I still sin, but now I've accepted his forgiveness by entering into this special relationship).

So, today marks a different kind of anniversary. A joyful one. Its the day Jesus drastically made a way out for me. He has been in control of my path back to him the whole time. He sure does love me and my kids. He has proven his protection, provision, and guidance of us over and over and over again. He isn't done with me yet! He has big plans for me and my babies. All I have to do is keep loving him and by his grace, live the best I can. I just cant wait to see what more he has for us and who we are going to show his love to along the way!

The ripple effect

Ah the inevitable blog about choices... You knew this one was coming!

"To every decision you make there is a consequence. A good consequence or a bad consequence. Choose wisely"

If I heard that 10 times growing up I heard it a million! My daddy, in his fatherly wisdom, used to say that to me constantly. Maybe he saw part of himself in me, maybe he was praying it would sink in and that I would make good choices and not have to hurt from the bad consequences. But none of us are protected from bad choices, we all have made them... I'm walking proof of a life filled with choices made in a quick moment or just out of Gods will. I'm thankful and continuously humbled by the Grace and Mercy God still shows me constantly. Not only does he forgive, he actually takes our bad choice and changes the outcome! What say what!?!? He takes our bad choices and turns them into something good?! That blows my mind! Another example of Gods redeeming power. 

Now hold up! This is not a license to just go about doing whatever you please knowing its all gonna be ok in the end anyway... Nope.

When you make a choice of any kind the ripples from that choice sometimes go on and on and on. For me a big one is the man I decided to live with and have children with. Are my babies bad choices? No! Because the bible says "children are a gift from The Lord". We don't create life, God does. However, the consequences of WHO I chose to have them with is the point. He is not a godly man/father and for the rest of my life I will have to deal with him because of a choice! 

Because of resent choices I've made, normal and should be relaxing situations have become uncomfortable and stressful. I am over and over again reminded of how lonely I am for friendships and how strongly I feel a misfit. However I can only blame myself for once again, this issue is from poor choices... 

Bad consequences are easy to spot, they are wrapped in tears and surrounded by pain.... But not only for you, and this is my point for this long blog post.... Everything you do, either good or bad the outcome ALWAYS effects those around you. 

So here's a reminder to me and you, choose wisely... Your decisions today effect your tomorrow's... 

The longest short distance

So I've been going through some mind/thought shifting lately... I've had this habit of thinking the worst about myself for as long as I can remember. Now I know what you are thinking, "so what Rach, I do the same thing" and you very well might, but my mental "record" that plays over and over has actually become a part of who I am. The things I've always told myself have played so long in my head it has drowned out everything and everyone else. They are all lies, but after awhile you just start believing them... Things like I'm worthless, a failure, unlovable, unneeded, I'll never get it right, and the list goes on and on. You get the idea. 

I've been challenged recently by a close friend of mine, to really evaluate that "record". she honestly said does it glorify God? Well, does it?! No. It doesn't. Does it match up with what I know His word says? Nope. It doesn't edify Him, it doesn't help anyone! If anything it weighs me down so I can stay depressed and wallow in self pity instead of seeing those hurting around me. Boiled down it's quite selfish of me...

So here's been the tough part - old habits die hard. I've discovered the distance between your heart and mind is the longest short distance. In my mind I'm changing my "habit" of negative thinking, but to get my heart to grasp that and understand/believe it is a whole different challenge. Why?! Why is it so hard for us to believe the best and so much easier to believe the worst? 

I'm on this journey as you all have witnessed. I've been up and down, I've tripped and fallen and I've come through things I never once thought I could possibly survive . But this hurdle has been a tough one to be honest with you. It's that head to heart thing. I've prayed that God just makes it click for me, because I believe its my greatest stumbling block. I think this is what effects everything else I do/say. It's like if I could get this one thing corrected a lot of my other struggles wouldn't be an issue anymore.

There is no happy conclusion to this entry, no "I've figured it out!".... I just continue to believe He has a greater plan for me than to suck mud and wallow in self pity. It's my choice, to stay here or move forward... 

So daily I come to Jesus and He is faithfully helping me re-recording my "mind record" to say; I AM beautiful, I AM needed, I AM a child of God, I AM forgiven and redeemed, I AM loved, I AM set apart to be used by God, I AM! I AM! I AM!!! Because HE says so! And frankly He is the only one that matters....