Hope for Tomorrow....

Grief - we all have dealt with it in some form or another. Over the years I have grieved loved ones lost. Pets. Friends moving away. The list could go on.... But tonight I grieve for entirely different reasons. A beautiful far-away friend has always encouraged me to "feel it out". To let the emotions come. Feel them. And let them go. So here I am trying to write those feelings out... Bare with me. 

Tonight grief for myself and my children weighs heavy on my heart. I cry for myself- my past, my present, my constantly uncertain future. I cry for my children- the choices I've made have so strongly effected their little lives. I grieve for what has been & what is now. 

Please don't misunderstand. I'm entirely thankful for my life. For my amazing family who have so strongly stood by my side over the past 6 years - through deeper heartache and fear and pain than most could ever begin to understand. Never once wavering from carrying me when I could not put one foot in front of the other. For my children who are truely my life, my breath. They are my purpose. My gifts.

But.....

Even in the midst of being grateful there are times when I come to a mirror of sorts. Times of forced reflection. Not to stay in that 'backward looking' place but to hopefully process it. 

I look back on poor choices and I grieve. I look on opportunities missed and my heart breaks. I look on forgiveness given just a moment too late and I hurt. 

I've found my life to not be what I have expected, but I'm here. I'm alive. I walk this road alone in so many aspects. Close friends are hard to come by and life consists of work and my children. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

But.....

In the midst of the tears, and the silent screams that pour from my heart - I look forward - knowing the dawn of a new day is on the way... That each choice I make today is bettering my tomorrow. The negative I've reaped for so long due to sowing seeds of bad choices will soon be overtaken by the fruits of making good choices.

Hope. 

That's what I cling to in moments like these. These moments of grief.... 

**thank you for graciously reading this blog. This spilling of feelings :) it's how I process**

My Son

I know I just posted a new blog but I had to write this one out. 

Last night I was trying to put my 2 year old son Gabriel to bed. I walked in his room and found him quietly playing. So I say down and just watched him. 

He was playing with blocks. His little hands building a tower, you could see his little mind working. I sat and just stared at him for almost 20minutes. I just wanted to pause that moment so I could soak it up as much as I could. I know he's growing up so fast. He's my favorite little man and he's definitely a mamas-boy. He's creative and a bit OCD. He's my snuggle bug and is always laughing. He's got that typical boy 'I'm getting into trouble' look. I have a hard time keeping a straight face when I'm correcting him because of his facial expressions and mannerisms. 

I am both mommy and daddy to my kids since their father isn't an active part of their world. So I was worried he'd be influenced by us girls too much. Umm NO. I can safely say he is all boy! And the joy of my heart. 

Ok just wanted to brag on my boy and remind myself and y'all that it goes by so quick. I have to make a point to slow down and "soak" them in. 

Reflection.... & Blessings

I know I know! This is a few weeks late, but better late than not at all!

So, 2013.... What a year huh? As I sit here and reflect on the past 12 months it brings back a lot of emotions. It was up, then down, then really down. There were victories in watching God's hand work in my life and there were defeats of working through my bad days. There were more tears shed this year than all my previous years put together I do believe. I found out what TRUE friendship really is and the unconditional love of family (Not just blood either). But the one constant theme is PEACE.
Peace has been the steadiness in all of the roller coaster moments. Even when I thought I couldn't cry another tear, that no more emotion could be rung out of me, Peace was the solid foundation my feet landed on every single time I thought I had hit rock bottom.

Lets do a VERY quick recap shall we?
I moved away to PA to start over, I had to move back to SC (which was exactly where God wanted me to begin with), I was pregnant, and gave birth to a perfect baby girl in May and 2 days later joined the ranks of other women by became a birthmom (a woman who places her child for adoption). I went back to work in August, placed my children in daycare, and through all this had multiple court hearings with their father. Which I must say is probably the one thing in my life I actually hate. I hate court.

That of course is the slim version, but in between those lines you can sense the tears and unspeakable hurt. Disappointment in myself. Doubt, Fear, and Failures. You also read of Hope and Faith and Love. Of friendships that never would have been without walking through this tough year. Peace in knowing no matter what was happening I would live and it would all be OK.

My life is in no way what I thought it would be at this point. In less than a month I'll be 32 and through the tears and fears and utter confusion God has been making my ashes into beauty. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined to be here - right now - in this place a year ago.

BUT! because this journey is a crazy and wild one, I also have so much to be thankful for! So along with this 'reflection' I am going to take a minute to brag on my blessings this past year and start looking forward with hope...

~ I am blessed by people who truly love me and care for me (and not just my family).
~ I have found a group of women who love me and carry me and cry with me when I need help putting one foot in front of the other.
~ I have job that is NOT what I ever thought Id be doing but its a job which is better than most have right now.
~ I have 2 beautiful children who keep me laughing and frankly are bound and determined to give me grey hair! I couldn't imagine my life without them. They are my complete world.
~ I also have a birth daughter who lives with her mommy and daddy up north... she is perfect and even though she doesn't know it, she saved my life.
~ Her parents are one of my biggest blessings. They are amazing people who love her so much. God knew what he was doing when he set them aside to be her parents. I am so grateful to them.

OK, Ill stop - although you know I could go on and on.... but you get the idea...

So with that I say "Goodbye 2013! I'm very happy to be closing your book" and
"Hello 2014! Be kind would ya?"

Love you all and sending you blessings this new year!
Rachel

ID please?

 

Identity - Definition; the distinguishing character or personality of an individual. 

     

       Who are you? No really... Who are you? When you introduce yourself to someone how is it worded? "Hi I'm Rachel, Grace and Gabriel's mom" is usually my answer since my children have become far more popular than I am at this point. Or "hi I'm _____  the secretary at church" " I'm DR. ____" "Im _____ friend of Tim Tebow (hey! It's all in who you know! Right?) "hi I'm _____, _____ wife" You get what I'm saying? So many people walk around not truly knowing who they are! Oh sure they know what they like, in clothes and movies and music, but they honestly have no clue of their God given identity. What makes them them. Not by what they do, or which church they belong to or if they root for the tigers or the gamecocks! If all of your "badges" were taken away, what would be left? Would you feel completely insecure? Like you were standing naked? If so you might want to recheck some things. Something I've learned as of late, is "who I am". You see for many years "who I am" was stripped from me. It was a slow fade. In fact I didn't even realize it until I stepped away and found I was not who I was before. It's taken most of this last year to build back who I am. To rediscover how He sees me. How blessed am I that God promised He will rebuild better and stronger than before! I now see clearly those who walk around with no idea who they are. (If you ever said that to them they would of course get defensive so I advise against that.) However, you can and should pray for them! Pray that God shows them who they are IN HIM. Even if that means taking down their badges to show their true selves. God needs people who are strong in who He made them to be. Not ones who see their identity and purpose in their title or association. 

I've just been seeing that a lot recently and thought I'd throw it out there. Be encouraged to seek who you are in Him. Not in anything else, because as we  know it can (and will) be gone in a blink. 

What it takes to stay....

Have you ever really listened to these words? Have you ever prayed them?

It is my desperate plea today... and every day to be honest...

 

"Stay"

Big Daddy Weave

I’ve seen the flash of lightning
I’ve heard the rolling thunder
I’ve seen the crashing of the waves
And though I’ve known Your Presence
and been filled with wonder
Still there are many things that pull me away
Don’t let me go, hold me close because

I don’t want to hurt You anymore
I don’t want to waste another day
‘Cause it breaks Your heart, it breaks Your heart
When I keep walking away

You know what it means to sacrifice
But You tell me that it’s better to obey
You’ve giving me a thousand brand new starts
Jesus, give me what it takes to stay

I’ve seen Your hand of mercy through my darkest failures
And on the other side You’ve covered me with grace
And like a child lost and afraid, You come and find this runaway
And in Your loving arms You bring me home again
But what’s it gonna take to make me stay

Break my heart with what breaks Yours
Until You’re all I’m living for
Show me what it means not just to believe but to remain

 

 

Time is OUR issue...

Why do I ever worry? Or doubt? Or fret? I leave my thoughts to stray and they never ever stray down positive paths... It's always negative paths...

Today was a bit of a downer day. I do have days where I feel the intense loss of my placement ( peanuts adoption ). It sometimes hits me out of the blue so hard I can barely breathe. The weight in my chest, the feeling of complete loss, squeezes my heart. It usually causes me to stop short and have to take a deep breath. I usually promise myself ill deal with that emotion later. I'm good at "saving" it for a better moment. I follow the basics of grief which are to accept it, feel it and then move on. Today I was feeling anxious and I was questioning a lot... I was worried I had said too much in my last email to peanuts parents... I was fretting thinking that this was it, the slow "fade away" had begun. I should know by now these fears are completely unwarranted! As much as they are absolutely perfect for peanut, they are completely perfect for me! Her parents have proven over and over their love and care for me. Obviously this is a sensitive subject so I think that's why I get self conscious about it all and why I start to worry... Not a good enough excuse though.... Worry steals joy & the joy of The Lord is our strength, so in essence our worry causes us to miserable! No thanks!

Tonight, after I had been through emotional highs and lows all day, I received the email my heart was longing for. Now to a lot of you there is no reference point for this. But you have to understand that these emails that come (at least) once a month helps me heal in a way I never once thought about before... They are like a soothing oil on a sore... They are sent to me just as I need them. Peanuts mom will probably never know the impact those emails have... Maybe someday ill be able to explain to them how unexplainably important they have been to my healing process

So, Even in my weakness, my moments of doubt.... It's good to know that my God is always good. He always knows what we need when we need it. His timing is always right. I need to learn to BE STILL, to REST and focus on His blessings, knowing that it will all come together, that it will all be PERFECT... In HIS time.... 

Surprise, Surprise....

I like surprises - sometimes.... Depending on a few things (and this is my controlling side by the way) WHO is surprising me, WHO is going to be there, WHAT is it for, etc.... I've been surprised a few times and each time its been wonderful surprises!

Life, however, is NOT something I like being surprised about. You see I'm a crazy planner - and a darn good one if I do say so myself. Just ask my family about my "binder 'O fun". I like knowing when, where, why, with whom, and all the little details. Well, hate to break it to you, if you haven't figured it out already, but our God doesn't work like that. He usually doesn't ask our permission before letting things happen in our life, or bringing new challenges (sometimes dressed as people) into our world.

This story I'm about to share is going to shock a lot of you, however some of you might know it already. I feel its time for me to explain about exactly how far Jesus has brought me this past year... and how wonderful he has been to me....

Before I dedicated my life to Jesus I was a sad person, I felt my worth, and my value was based on men (Boy was I ever wrong!!). So to gain affection, "love", acceptance, etc... I would sleep with them. A very fast spiral in the downward direction for sure! Well, I got pregnant for the third time, right before I became a Christian last fall. Through different circumstances I thought I had lost her, the clinic told me I had! So imagine my surprise a few weeks before Christmas feeling her kick me!! Definitely NOT a planned surprise! Here I was a newly single mom of 2 young kids, pregnant AGAIN! Between the time I thought I lost her and when I realized I had not, I had given my life to Jesus. I was getting my life back on track, making good decisions. So as soon as I realized she was still alive I knew I wouldn't be able to keep her. There was no way I could do 3 kids (all under the age of 4) on my own. Ok, well I might have been able to "do" it... but would it have been the BEST for her? No, not even close. So from my mother heart, I decided that adoption would be the best plan for peanut (which I affectionately called her during my pregnancy).

Long story short, God placed this amazing and completely wonderful Christian couple in the agency I was using for the adoption process. I knew right away that these were the parents set apart by God to raise little peanut. I had my ups and downs the months leading up to her arrival. Its a lonely path to walk honestly. Most people have no clue how to even begin to relate and most distanced themselves since they didn't know what to say or do to make it "better". Jesus never left my side though, he gave my family strength to walk with me. He increased our faith daily as we saw his hand work from the little things to the big unknown things.

The big day finally arrived... peanuts parents traveled from out of state and were just in time to be at the hospital when she was born (May 3, 2013). Her mom got to be the first to hold her. To watch the joy on her parents faces as they looked at the most wonderful gift they had ever been given was the confirmation I needed to know this was exactly God's plan. To give them something they had wanted so badly, I made a dream come true for them. I helped them become a family. I knew at that moment Peanut would be loved beyond measure, cared for, raised in a Christian home, and given every opportunity she could dream of. Because of God's indescribable peace I have never once looked back, not once regretted my decision to place her. God's comfort, and yes! even joy were so abundant! He was and has been so very faithful to me. Carrying me on days when I thought I never would make it to see another sunrise. I could write for pages of his goodness and love for me.

I have "bad" days, which are to be expected, but folks its nothing compared to others I know.... I feel the tears, the sadness come, I embrace it, cry it out and move on. His strength has sustained me... His hand has comforted me. In so many ways, so many times I've known his presence.

Our pastor says something I love - "God doesn't have a plan B, plan A always works". Did me getting pregnant surprise God? No. Did he freak out and say 'great! she's pregnant again! what are we gonna do now?!' No, he didn't. He had, since before time began, set aside this wonderful family to be peanuts parents. He set me apart to walk this journey so that I could minister to others. To encourage them, and help show them that Jesus cares and knows right where they are. He comforts those who mourn. He turns our bad decisions into something beautiful. Only HE can turn beauty from ashes! My life was ashes, dead girl walking... but HE gave me my life back, HE gave me joy and peace, HE turned my mistakes into wonderful blessings!

So here I am almost 3 months out from placing little peanut. Her parents keep in contact through email, sending updates on how she is and sending pictures. I am so blessed by them. Every day I see God's hand on my life. I feel his spirit encouraging me and strengthening me to share my story. How could I stay silent?! How could I not give God all the glory... Its by his strength, his peace and mercy that I am alive today. He has so much in store for me and the kids. I believe someday someone will come along who will love us as a Godly father and husband. I don't think about that much though, I know whatever God has planned its PERFECT... I just cant wait to see what each new day brings... who he brings my way that I could show his love to....

So, all that to say! Surprises are only surprises to us... Our God is in CONTROL! He sees it all and uses everything to our good, if we let him work in our lives. Please take this story as testimony of God's unending love, his mercy and faithfulness that DOES NOT hinge on our faithfulness or love towards him. He is always standing right there waiting for us to reach out and say "I need you, I cant do this on my own anymore".... only then can he hold you, comfort and carry you through whatever you are facing...