Tonight grief for myself and my children weighs heavy on my heart. I cry for myself- my past, my present, my constantly uncertain future. I cry for my children- the choices I've made have so strongly effected their little lives. I grieve for what has been & what is now.
Please don't misunderstand. I'm entirely thankful for my life. For my amazing family who have so strongly stood by my side over the past 6 years - through deeper heartache and fear and pain than most could ever begin to understand. Never once wavering from carrying me when I could not put one foot in front of the other. For my children who are truely my life, my breath. They are my purpose. My gifts.
But.....
Even in the midst of being grateful there are times when I come to a mirror of sorts. Times of forced reflection. Not to stay in that 'backward looking' place but to hopefully process it.
I look back on poor choices and I grieve. I look on opportunities missed and my heart breaks. I look on forgiveness given just a moment too late and I hurt.
I've found my life to not be what I have expected, but I'm here. I'm alive. I walk this road alone in so many aspects. Close friends are hard to come by and life consists of work and my children. Nothing more. Nothing less.
But.....
In the midst of the tears, and the silent screams that pour from my heart - I look forward - knowing the dawn of a new day is on the way... That each choice I make today is bettering my tomorrow. The negative I've reaped for so long due to sowing seeds of bad choices will soon be overtaken by the fruits of making good choices.
Hope.
That's what I cling to in moments like these. These moments of grief....
**thank you for graciously reading this blog. This spilling of feelings :) it's how I process**
