What it takes to stay....

Have you ever really listened to these words? Have you ever prayed them?

It is my desperate plea today... and every day to be honest...

 

"Stay"

Big Daddy Weave

I’ve seen the flash of lightning
I’ve heard the rolling thunder
I’ve seen the crashing of the waves
And though I’ve known Your Presence
and been filled with wonder
Still there are many things that pull me away
Don’t let me go, hold me close because

I don’t want to hurt You anymore
I don’t want to waste another day
‘Cause it breaks Your heart, it breaks Your heart
When I keep walking away

You know what it means to sacrifice
But You tell me that it’s better to obey
You’ve giving me a thousand brand new starts
Jesus, give me what it takes to stay

I’ve seen Your hand of mercy through my darkest failures
And on the other side You’ve covered me with grace
And like a child lost and afraid, You come and find this runaway
And in Your loving arms You bring me home again
But what’s it gonna take to make me stay

Break my heart with what breaks Yours
Until You’re all I’m living for
Show me what it means not just to believe but to remain

 

 

Time is OUR issue...

Why do I ever worry? Or doubt? Or fret? I leave my thoughts to stray and they never ever stray down positive paths... It's always negative paths...

Today was a bit of a downer day. I do have days where I feel the intense loss of my placement ( peanuts adoption ). It sometimes hits me out of the blue so hard I can barely breathe. The weight in my chest, the feeling of complete loss, squeezes my heart. It usually causes me to stop short and have to take a deep breath. I usually promise myself ill deal with that emotion later. I'm good at "saving" it for a better moment. I follow the basics of grief which are to accept it, feel it and then move on. Today I was feeling anxious and I was questioning a lot... I was worried I had said too much in my last email to peanuts parents... I was fretting thinking that this was it, the slow "fade away" had begun. I should know by now these fears are completely unwarranted! As much as they are absolutely perfect for peanut, they are completely perfect for me! Her parents have proven over and over their love and care for me. Obviously this is a sensitive subject so I think that's why I get self conscious about it all and why I start to worry... Not a good enough excuse though.... Worry steals joy & the joy of The Lord is our strength, so in essence our worry causes us to miserable! No thanks!

Tonight, after I had been through emotional highs and lows all day, I received the email my heart was longing for. Now to a lot of you there is no reference point for this. But you have to understand that these emails that come (at least) once a month helps me heal in a way I never once thought about before... They are like a soothing oil on a sore... They are sent to me just as I need them. Peanuts mom will probably never know the impact those emails have... Maybe someday ill be able to explain to them how unexplainably important they have been to my healing process

So, Even in my weakness, my moments of doubt.... It's good to know that my God is always good. He always knows what we need when we need it. His timing is always right. I need to learn to BE STILL, to REST and focus on His blessings, knowing that it will all come together, that it will all be PERFECT... In HIS time....