Surprise, Surprise....

I like surprises - sometimes.... Depending on a few things (and this is my controlling side by the way) WHO is surprising me, WHO is going to be there, WHAT is it for, etc.... I've been surprised a few times and each time its been wonderful surprises!

Life, however, is NOT something I like being surprised about. You see I'm a crazy planner - and a darn good one if I do say so myself. Just ask my family about my "binder 'O fun". I like knowing when, where, why, with whom, and all the little details. Well, hate to break it to you, if you haven't figured it out already, but our God doesn't work like that. He usually doesn't ask our permission before letting things happen in our life, or bringing new challenges (sometimes dressed as people) into our world.

This story I'm about to share is going to shock a lot of you, however some of you might know it already. I feel its time for me to explain about exactly how far Jesus has brought me this past year... and how wonderful he has been to me....

Before I dedicated my life to Jesus I was a sad person, I felt my worth, and my value was based on men (Boy was I ever wrong!!). So to gain affection, "love", acceptance, etc... I would sleep with them. A very fast spiral in the downward direction for sure! Well, I got pregnant for the third time, right before I became a Christian last fall. Through different circumstances I thought I had lost her, the clinic told me I had! So imagine my surprise a few weeks before Christmas feeling her kick me!! Definitely NOT a planned surprise! Here I was a newly single mom of 2 young kids, pregnant AGAIN! Between the time I thought I lost her and when I realized I had not, I had given my life to Jesus. I was getting my life back on track, making good decisions. So as soon as I realized she was still alive I knew I wouldn't be able to keep her. There was no way I could do 3 kids (all under the age of 4) on my own. Ok, well I might have been able to "do" it... but would it have been the BEST for her? No, not even close. So from my mother heart, I decided that adoption would be the best plan for peanut (which I affectionately called her during my pregnancy).

Long story short, God placed this amazing and completely wonderful Christian couple in the agency I was using for the adoption process. I knew right away that these were the parents set apart by God to raise little peanut. I had my ups and downs the months leading up to her arrival. Its a lonely path to walk honestly. Most people have no clue how to even begin to relate and most distanced themselves since they didn't know what to say or do to make it "better". Jesus never left my side though, he gave my family strength to walk with me. He increased our faith daily as we saw his hand work from the little things to the big unknown things.

The big day finally arrived... peanuts parents traveled from out of state and were just in time to be at the hospital when she was born (May 3, 2013). Her mom got to be the first to hold her. To watch the joy on her parents faces as they looked at the most wonderful gift they had ever been given was the confirmation I needed to know this was exactly God's plan. To give them something they had wanted so badly, I made a dream come true for them. I helped them become a family. I knew at that moment Peanut would be loved beyond measure, cared for, raised in a Christian home, and given every opportunity she could dream of. Because of God's indescribable peace I have never once looked back, not once regretted my decision to place her. God's comfort, and yes! even joy were so abundant! He was and has been so very faithful to me. Carrying me on days when I thought I never would make it to see another sunrise. I could write for pages of his goodness and love for me.

I have "bad" days, which are to be expected, but folks its nothing compared to others I know.... I feel the tears, the sadness come, I embrace it, cry it out and move on. His strength has sustained me... His hand has comforted me. In so many ways, so many times I've known his presence.

Our pastor says something I love - "God doesn't have a plan B, plan A always works". Did me getting pregnant surprise God? No. Did he freak out and say 'great! she's pregnant again! what are we gonna do now?!' No, he didn't. He had, since before time began, set aside this wonderful family to be peanuts parents. He set me apart to walk this journey so that I could minister to others. To encourage them, and help show them that Jesus cares and knows right where they are. He comforts those who mourn. He turns our bad decisions into something beautiful. Only HE can turn beauty from ashes! My life was ashes, dead girl walking... but HE gave me my life back, HE gave me joy and peace, HE turned my mistakes into wonderful blessings!

So here I am almost 3 months out from placing little peanut. Her parents keep in contact through email, sending updates on how she is and sending pictures. I am so blessed by them. Every day I see God's hand on my life. I feel his spirit encouraging me and strengthening me to share my story. How could I stay silent?! How could I not give God all the glory... Its by his strength, his peace and mercy that I am alive today. He has so much in store for me and the kids. I believe someday someone will come along who will love us as a Godly father and husband. I don't think about that much though, I know whatever God has planned its PERFECT... I just cant wait to see what each new day brings... who he brings my way that I could show his love to....

So, all that to say! Surprises are only surprises to us... Our God is in CONTROL! He sees it all and uses everything to our good, if we let him work in our lives. Please take this story as testimony of God's unending love, his mercy and faithfulness that DOES NOT hinge on our faithfulness or love towards him. He is always standing right there waiting for us to reach out and say "I need you, I cant do this on my own anymore".... only then can he hold you, comfort and carry you through whatever you are facing...

Happy Anniversary of a Different Kind....

July 3rd of last year I was forced by a set of uncontrollable circumstances, to move. I left my children's father in Charleston and move to Conway with my parents. It was to be a temporary situation. However God had bigger plans for me and my babies.

Let me explain.... the way I was living was not what God wanted for me. Deep down inside I didn't want to be there either. I just didn't know how (like the prodigal) to get home. A lot had happened over the 4 years since I had walked away and the thought of going home was extremely hard and humbling for me. But here I found myself. I tried to hold onto my relationship with their father, but the longer I was home, the more Jesus was breaking down my walls and strengthening me to face the decision I had to make, the decision to move on.

One Sunday I went with my parents to this new church they discovered in Surfside. They raved about how awesome it was and how the pastor was preaching what they always longed to hear; Grace and Mercy WITHOUT legalism. I knew that's what I wanted my kids to experience so I thought I'd try it out. I was still being super stubborn (hard to imagine I know! LOL).... It took 3 visits to Journey Church where each time God broke into the service to speak to me. He spoke though Pastor Tom, and other people who wanted to pray for me. I finally acknowledged my way of doing life wasn't working and decided to walk back into a relationship with Jesus.

Now for those who are unfamiliar with all this I will explain. Yes, there is a God and NO, he doesn't live a billion light years away, He DOES care about each of us, our lives and loves us more than we could ever imagine. His love is far greater than any human love. But because I was a sinner, due to my choices I had separated myself from God. When this happens life is empty, it has a sense of meaninglessness. You can strive to succeed, to further your career or find the perfect man or have kids... but at the end of the day deep inside you feel something is missing. Its within all of us the desire to know our creator, our God. That's the longing you feel. Here is the good part, God didn't want us to stay separated. He knew a sentence had to be paid for our sin, and he knew we could never pay that price. So he sent the only thing that would pay for our sins, and in fact OVERPAY. So no matter what you did yesterday, today or even tomorrow its already been covered. He send his son Jesus. He died and came back from the grave 3 days later. He is stronger than death. He is bigger than anything in this world, good or evil. He longs for us to love him, to have a relationship with him. That's what I was speaking of... giving my life back to Jesus, meaning consciously leaving my sin behind and walking with Him (yes I still sin, but now I've accepted his forgiveness by entering into this special relationship).

So, today marks a different kind of anniversary. A joyful one. Its the day Jesus drastically made a way out for me. He has been in control of my path back to him the whole time. He sure does love me and my kids. He has proven his protection, provision, and guidance of us over and over and over again. He isn't done with me yet! He has big plans for me and my babies. All I have to do is keep loving him and by his grace, live the best I can. I just cant wait to see what more he has for us and who we are going to show his love to along the way!